Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Bubbling Up

It caught me off guard. I’d been having a really good morning. Twice a month I volunteer in the baby room during Mops because I heard they were looking for some extra “hands” rocking the babies. After a couple times I moved to the next room that has mobile babies. They’re so cute!! Most can walk and my favorite time of the morning is when we sprinkle cheerios on a stationary walker with a tray and all the babies toddler over to snack at the “trough”.

Lately I’ve been in situations where I just do as I’m told. It takes a bit of humbleness to allow others to take the lead. Once again, I must yield. Since I’m a “newbie” volunteer I still don’t know all the systems. When the babies were happily playing, I began to pick up the toys scattered around and put them away in the bins and baskets. The person in charge of the nursery noticed and kindly explained to me that all the toys needed to be brought to the sink to be sanitized. At that exact moment, someone I used to work for walked in the room. I had spent several years teaching at our church preschool before I left to teach kindergarten. I had been a part of a challenging conversation and my feelings were hurt-badly. I have repeatedly worked hard to forgive and “move on”.

The toy incident was not a big deal, yet I felt like a mini-failure. I’ve tried hard to not let my pride or insecurities rise up. I thought about asking for the new Beth Moore book, So Long, Insecurities, for Christmas but thought I didn’t need it. I guess I was wrong.

I am over 50 and I STILL worry about how I am perceived. What’s up with that?

The unworthy feelings bubbled up to the surface just like someone turned on the switch of a hot tub. I know in my brain that I was having a good day, that I was being helpful, and that it was no big deal. It is really important to me that I do a good job and am well-liked. Obviously I’m a people pleaser.

Why can’t I be like Paul, when he wrote, “If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Galatians 1:10

I loved "running" my own classrooms, especially when I was encouraged and complimented. I had a great relationship with the children, their parents and my co-workers (except maybe a couple-hey, I’m honest!) The few times I was criticized or given constructive criticism by a Principal or Director I was crushed.

I come from a family of teachers. My Mom and sisters were/are excellent teachers. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to be excellent too-I had a reputation to maintain!

The enemy loves to use my self-doubt and past against me.

Apparently I have just stuffed my feelings of failure, instead of breaking free. (How convenient that I’m currently doing the Breaking Free bible study. Silly me thinking I didn’t have much I needed to break free from. ) HELLO!

Thankfully, the bubbling stopped. I remembered-I really only have an audience of one. THE ONE. The one who created me, has a purpose for me, who loves me unconditionally, and is FOR me. Also, it’s not always all about me so I don’t need to dwell on how I’m perceived. It’s not about getting everyone’s approval as I work or serve, but knowing I’ve done my best to bring glory to God.

“Take care! Don’t do your deeds publicly, to be admired, because then you will lose the reward from your Father in Heaven.”
Matthew 6:1

Colossians 3:23 “Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, just as though you were working for the Lord.”

Our God loves us insecurities and all, but remember, when in doubt, always wash baby toys.

In His Grip, Jane

1 comment:

  1. Jane ~ I have a copy of the book if you want to borrow it...but let me just say, the ones who know and love you ~ we think you're amazing. Our failures, perceived or not, can either refine or define us ~ we know we've broken free when we allow them to refine us! Good for you.
    Rejoicing with you, Tina