Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Can't Do the Splits!

Back in my glory days (6th – 9th Grades) I was a cheerleader. I had pep, was great at doing the routines with crisp movements and wow could I yell. Yes, I must have been the loudest girl on the squad. And the girl with the biggest saddle shoe size. I also was the only girl who couldn’t do the splits. No matter how I tried to become more flexible, I never could master that skill. I became the knee-drop girl instead. (That is probably why I know have a knee that makes “ugly stepsister noises” caused by bone rubbing bone.)

Today I thought about the splits. I talked with a wise woman who is helping me deal with the grief my daughter and I are experiencing over moving to Illinois. She said we’ve got one foot in Washington and one foot in Illinois and that’s a difficult way to live. Think about how far apart they are on the map. Truly the pain I’m experiencing is as sharp as the screaming muscles and ligaments I felt back in my tween years trying to do the splits.

What am I to do? How do I embrace my new “life” when I’m still mourning the loss of my old one? So many things to feel loss over; friends, our church, our pretty house, the beauty of the mountains, water, and evergreen trees, my chiropractor, the ministries I was involved in, favorite restaurants (especially Friday nights at Tides Tavern), prayer group, bible study, book club, couples group, and the list goes on… Granted I don’t miss the rain or chilly temps when the calendar says it should be warm, but oh the people!

I’m trying to be strong. I’ve jumped into a bible study and newcomers, I’ve met some neighbors. My man and I have been on some fun dates at local restaurants and are fixing up our house together. We’re even taking a road trip this coming weekend to visit my family and that NEVER happened back in the Northwest. My heart isn’t settled though. Watching the pain my daughter is going through is magnifying my pain. It’s as if her grief is the cheer coach who used to push down on my shoulders to try to force me into flat splits.

So… I’ve accepted that I’ll never do the splits. Now I must determine if I can accept that I no longer can “live” in two states. For the next month my husband and I are committed to praying about whether or not I should take our daughter back to Gig Harbor to finish out her high school career there. The consequences of doing that would be huge. Our marriage would become a commuter relationship. Money would be REALLY tight trying to rent an apartment and fly back and forth to see each other. My daughter would have a Daddy far away and I would need to find a job. As we write down our pros and cons it feels almost like taking on a deployment. What would happen in two years when my child graduates? Would I have to start all over back here?

We obeyed God by moving here, and we’re not sure what His purposes are. We trust that He’ll help us with our decision-making and we’d appreciate all the prayers we can get. Even though I only have a handful of friends and family who follow my blog, you’re invited to join in this month of prayer and I thank you in advance.

On our ten year anniversary I recited a passage from Ruth 1:16 to my husband when we renewed our wedding vows; “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. I will go wherever you go and live wherever you live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.”

I’m finding out that trying to honor God, my vows, my heart and my daughter seems as impossible as doing the splits!!

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