Pom Poms, Smiles and Feelings

The song “Feelings" the 1975 hit by Morris Alfred, instantly takes me back to a Friday Night high school football game back in 1976. (I’m showing my age.) It is half-time and I’m doing a routine with the drill team and my huge pom poms in my sparkly sequined outfit and groovy white boots. I plastered on my smile and entertained the crowd. I felt true joy. My smile was authentic.

Faith is not about feelings. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
There’s a new song on the Christian radio station by Sanctus Real, called “Lead Me”. The husband in the song is asking God to help him lead his family. The lyrics really resonate with my family's current situation(except the beautiful wife part)…

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Fast forward several decades. I DO always smile in photos. I plaster that smile on just like I did back in the drill team days. On the inside I’m not smiling right now, but who is going to want to befriend the Eeyore I’ve become and why would I want grumpy photos. There’s a balance of being truthful and real with the new people I meet and being fun to be around.

I think I learned about smiling from my mom (who is kind and smiles a lot) and from the musical Annie. I used to sing the line “you’re never fully dressed without your smile” to my kids as they left for school. I know it’s a fact that smiling is contagious and people are more likely to be friendly if you look approachable.

These days, “the joy of the Lord is my strength”. Nehemiah 8:10 I am trying to fill up my soul with the love of Jesus so my joy will be authentic and not fake. Every day I’m attempting to focus on something good or fun about my life and circumstances. As I write this I’m sitting by our sweet lake on this beautiful fall day with my precious daughter. I hear the wind blow the fallen leaves, the football team is doing drills, the train is going by and the local church bell is ringing. This moment is a gift that I’ll want to tuck away to pull out on a cold winter day.

Watching a mom try to “lead” her special needs son on a walk is also a reminder. She patiently waited while her stubborn child sat down on a bench and refused to move. God will always lead me and is always patient. Sometimes He leads in obvious ways (like big flashy pom poms )and other times it will be done quietly with just a whisper to my heart.

I Can't Do the Splits!

Back in my glory days (6th – 9th Grades) I was a cheerleader. I had pep, was great at doing the routines with crisp movements and wow could I yell. Yes, I must have been the loudest girl on the squad. And the girl with the biggest saddle shoe size. I also was the only girl who couldn’t do the splits. No matter how I tried to become more flexible, I never could master that skill. I became the knee-drop girl instead. (That is probably why I know have a knee that makes “ugly stepsister noises” caused by bone rubbing bone.)

Today I thought about the splits. I talked with a wise woman who is helping me deal with the grief my daughter and I are experiencing over moving to Illinois. She said we’ve got one foot in Washington and one foot in Illinois and that’s a difficult way to live. Think about how far apart they are on the map. Truly the pain I’m experiencing is as sharp as the screaming muscles and ligaments I felt back in my tween years trying to do the splits.

What am I to do? How do I embrace my new “life” when I’m still mourning the loss of my old one? So many things to feel loss over; friends, our church, our pretty house, the beauty of the mountains, water, and evergreen trees, my chiropractor, the ministries I was involved in, favorite restaurants (especially Friday nights at Tides Tavern), prayer group, bible study, book club, couples group, and the list goes on… Granted I don’t miss the rain or chilly temps when the calendar says it should be warm, but oh the people!

I’m trying to be strong. I’ve jumped into a bible study and newcomers, I’ve met some neighbors. My man and I have been on some fun dates at local restaurants and are fixing up our house together. We’re even taking a road trip this coming weekend to visit my family and that NEVER happened back in the Northwest. My heart isn’t settled though. Watching the pain my daughter is going through is magnifying my pain. It’s as if her grief is the cheer coach who used to push down on my shoulders to try to force me into flat splits.

So… I’ve accepted that I’ll never do the splits. Now I must determine if I can accept that I no longer can “live” in two states. For the next month my husband and I are committed to praying about whether or not I should take our daughter back to Gig Harbor to finish out her high school career there. The consequences of doing that would be huge. Our marriage would become a commuter relationship. Money would be REALLY tight trying to rent an apartment and fly back and forth to see each other. My daughter would have a Daddy far away and I would need to find a job. As we write down our pros and cons it feels almost like taking on a deployment. What would happen in two years when my child graduates? Would I have to start all over back here?

We obeyed God by moving here, and we’re not sure what His purposes are. We trust that He’ll help us with our decision-making and we’d appreciate all the prayers we can get. Even though I only have a handful of friends and family who follow my blog, you’re invited to join in this month of prayer and I thank you in advance.

On our ten year anniversary I recited a passage from Ruth 1:16 to my husband when we renewed our wedding vows; “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. I will go wherever you go and live wherever you live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.”

I’m finding out that trying to honor God, my vows, my heart and my daughter seems as impossible as doing the splits!!

Make the Noise Go Away!

My poor dog. She’s already an anxious dog by nature, but noises really scare her. She runs from the vacuum, hides if it thunders, and has to be drugged on the 4th of July. Well today she had about 30 minutes of “torture”… I had set the timer on the oven so I wouldn’t forget to pick up my daughter-(Mondays are early dismissal day.) As I walked back into the house,I noticed a frantic dog,heard a beeping sound and quickly realized that I had forgotten to turn off the timer. It brought back a memory of all the times our fire alarm used to go off due to a malfunctioning oven. My kids learned to ignore it or wave the dish towel to get the noise to stop. They knew I was just cooking and if it were truly a fire I would yell. Sadie the dog on the other hand would be frantically trying to get out of the loud house.

A couple years ago on a spring day I was teaching kindergarten and had a similar “I want to run away” experience. We had been outside having P.E. and had suffered through the terrible smell of the community college across the street having its septic system pumped. We were glad to finally get back indoors for lunch when I was informed that the firemen were testing the battery system and the alarms would be going on and off every few minutes for the next hour. Why couldn't they have waited until after school? Oh, the NOISE! We couldn’t even carry on a conversation! We ended up taking our lunches outside for a picnic. Not much teaching took place after that... Having a noise blare at you off and on is very annoying and makes it hard to stay calm. Maybe that's why I want to order the poster "Remain Calm and Carry On."

Satan is like a fire alarm. He interrupts our peace and quiet with his lies that come and go in our minds. We want to get away from our thoughts but he can be unrelenting when we’re weak. Just like the bleep of a battery that needs changing, we have to figure out a way to make the noise go away.

I’ve learned that Satan can’t read minds like God can (who is all-knowing). If we’ll speak aloud and tell him to L-E-A-V-E and/or say some scripture verses, then our hearts will be filled with the Holy Spirit and peace and the evil one will be the one running away! In Matthew 4:10 Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" I often have times when I lie awake in bed while my mind races. After tossing and turning I'll finally remember to speak a rebuke to Satan and focus on the goodness of God. Then the annoying noise begins to fade and eventually I go back to sleep.

I’ll bet my dog wishes she knew how to pray away the noise!

Another One Bites the Dust!

We’ve had several furry friends through our 27 years of marriage. I never got to have a pet growing up since my Mom was very allergic to cats and dogs. I came home from my part-time teaching job a couple weeks after our wedding and screamed when I saw something black and furry moving behind the toilet. Mike had bought us a black lab puppy and named him Duke. We were too young and stupid to be pet parents. An example of this was when we tried to take Duke to the 500 Memorial Parade. He was wild and then of course he pooped on the sidewalk.(No we didn’t bring a scooper bag with us so we promptly drove him home. Duke was a “runner”. As in, if he got past you at the front door, he’d run away and we’d find him beside the house 12-24 hours later. This usually happened on garbage day.

Having a dog before children is good training. You can’t just leave the house without some preparation; you spend lots of money at doctors and buying food, you must discipline and try to be loving and patient. One big difference; kids are yours forever, pets sometimes HAVE TO GO.

Fast forward eight years and three babies and I gave an ultimatum; someone had to go; me, or the dog. Mike decided I should stay since I do laundry. Duke moved to a farm where he later had a heart attack swimming in the pond. I feel guilty still, but am hoping he led a happy life until his unfortunate demise.

We couldn’t have a pet for the three years while ww lived in Grayslake, IL; soft pine floors, no fence and four kids under the age of seven. Once we’d moved to Washington and had our fence built, we brought home a sweet yellow lab named Cody Lincoln (his Dad’s name was Abe- weren’t we clever?) We were attempting to train Cody when Mike had his horrible fall- off- the- roof accident. I was having a VERY hard time taking care of four kids, a puppy and a husband in a hospital bed/wheel chair. Once again, the dog had to go. Cody was adopted by a loving couple in Aberdeen with lots of property.

Several years later we were ready to try again to be a family with a pet. We adopted Sadie, our lab-mix from the Purdy Women’s Prison Pet Partnership. The inmates train dogs to become service dogs. Ours had “flunked” the program due to being OCD about tennis balls, she was afraid of men in hats and had/has many other anxieties. She’s been a GREAT dog even though I’m S-I-C-K of her shedding on our wood floors, and getting into the cat food and litter box (yuck!) We've been through a lot of ups and downs with Sadie, including getting her ear cut off because of a tumor, but she's part of our family and you take the good with the bad...(Usually)

We added Tigger Duncan, the fat red cat and Zoe Mittens, our small black “hunter” cat to the mix. When it was time to move across the country this summer, I didn’t feel we could handle all three in this house/yard and the airline would only allow two animals on the flight.I was also concerned that Zoe would get hit by a car, and didn’t want her bringing dead bunnies to our back door (lots of rabbits around here…) There was no contest; I never really had bonded with Zoe and Tigger was “my boy”. I worked really hard to advertise and find a good home for Zoe. All her shots were up to date and paperwork in good order. Finally a dear friend with lots of kids, pets, and property offered to take her.

I was busy the day she moved to her new “home”. Mike took her, and then because he’d heard me tell my friend our kitty would live mostly outdoors, he proceeded to open the crate and out she ran! Yep, out she ran! SHE NEVER CAME BACK!... We had joked about just leaving her behind but I thought #1 that was cruel, and #2 she’d find her way back to our former house and bug the new owners. Well now I have to assume she became “dinner” to a cougar, etc. SO sad-another one bites the dust!

I feel a bit like a cat whose family has opened the crate in an unfamiliar area and I’m scared and so I want to run away (back to familiar territory.) Jesus knows I feel lost right now and He’s trying to lure me back to a feeling of security. I need to allow Him to do that, and not struggle so much.
Luckily I know I can run into the arms of my husband and Savior when things get overwhelming.

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” Luke 15:4

I’m just glad God doesn’t give US away when we become inconvenient!

“Read” the Direction Manual

My man Mike is turning out to be quite the do-it-your-selfer-especially when IKEA furniture needs to be put together. Have you ever shopped at IKEA? It’s the Swedish home store that currently has locations in only 20 states. We were lucky to have one back in Washington, and now we live only 30 minutes from one in Illinois. They are huge and really fun to wander around in.

Furniture from IKEA is simple, usually a bit modern and not built to last forever. BUT… the price is right. One little detail… nothing comes assembled and the directions only use pictures. Even though I've taught little children to "read" pictures, I have a hard time with the IKEA directions. They give you one tiny tool that is supposed to help you turn your pieces into a bookshelf, dresser, etc. Our latest purchases were a couple floor lamps and a kitchen island.

I left at 7:15 p.m. for a meeting the other night as my husband began opening the boxes. When I arrived home a few hours later,the lamps were glowing, and an island sat in my living room. I was so impressed. Luckily it fit through the doorway into the kitchen...

I think some directions are really hard to follow. Even with my Tom-Tom GPS system in my car, and Google maps on my computer I still get lost sometimes. We have a LOT of picture signs around our town because our intersections don't always have four stop signs. Sometimes there are just three and if I don’t pay close attention to what I’m doing, I’ll get in a wreck! Raising children has felt like a car crash at times since none of my four arrived with ANY directions!

There is one place we can look for the most important directions. Sometimes it comes with pictures, usually not… Sometimes they are crystal clear; sometimes they require time and thought to put into action. God’s word in our bible is His guidebook for our time here on earth, pointing us to Heaven. Whether we are living in America, Sweden, or somewhere else, if we can read God’s word we have a much better chance of being successful with this thing we’re building; life on earth and for eternity. Have you opened your instruction manual today?